How Do Birth Mothers Cope With Miscarriage During an Adoption Plan?
Miscarriage during an adoption plan is a distinct kind of grief, separate from a failed adoption, and often carrying its own complicated layers depending on the circumstances of the pregnancy.
Ellie* momentarily ceased wringing her hands to intercept her son’s playful trot. Embracing her two-year-old tightly, he endured the hug before scampering off to retrieve a bright red fire engine, his giggles resonating through the hallway. His innocent joy starkly contrasted with the sorrow etched across his mother’s face.
The young mother shifted uncomfortably in her seat, the hospital visit still fresh in her memory. Weariness clung to her, accompanied by a dull ache, but it was the profound sadness that weighed heaviest. After enduring seven months of pregnancy, she delivered a stillborn baby.
“I found out I was pregnant by Allen,” Ellie confided, her candor unwavering. “At the same time, I discovered he was cheating on me. The anger and hurt I felt were indescribable. I couldn’t bear the thought of sharing a baby with someone so unfaithful and uncommitted.”
After enduring the emotional turmoil of one abortion, Ellie knew she couldn’t bear it again. “An abortion would have been wrong. I can just feel it,” she confided. Her gaze followed her son as he darted into the adjacent room, then returned, gleefully launching the fire truck into the air.
“I was not in a position to raise the baby,” Ellie said.
“Allen offered to raise the baby with his new girlfriend.” She drew a steadying breath. “He can’t be a father. That would be the worst thing in the world.”
As Ellie grew to love the idea of adoption, she also knew Allen, as a birth father, had rights. At Heart to Heart Adoptions, we were very careful to explain to her about those rights. The rights of birth fathers in adoption cases can vary depending on the jurisdiction and the case’s specific circumstances.
“The more I thought about adoption, the more excited I became,” Ellie recalled, recounting her conversations with Darla about the ideal family match.
“Feeling the baby move inside me gave me reason for hope and joy. I couldn’t wait for an open adoption. Knowing my child was cared for and being allowed to watch him grow up through pictures, videos, and phone calls. There was such comfort in knowing the joy all of us could feel,” Ellie said. “I loved him. I would always love him, and he would be loved by others.”
Being loved by a community is what open adoption is about.
The miscarriage was unexpected. And devastating. “I was so excited about my adoptive family,” Ellie said. “I couldn’t wait to be a part of their life and they to be a part of my life.”
After the physical pains were over, Ellie was surprised at the care and comfort that Jodi from Heart to Heart Adoptions showered on her.
“We had a memorial for the stillborn child. My other son that I was raising, didn’t really understand, but he knew that Jodi and the rest of the staff loved me.”
After the blue balloons were released and Ellie spoke about the lost dreams, there was a long afternoon that Jodi sat with her and talked.
*names changed
See also: What Should Adoptive Parents Know About Failed Adoptions? for a related but distinct kind of loss.
FAQ - Simple
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes, support exists specifically for this kind of loss, separate from the adoption planning process itself.
Yes. It's its own kind of loss, separate from an adoption plan not moving forward.
Support exists specifically for this kind of loss, separate from the standard adoption planning process.
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