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Denial Came First–An Open Adoption Next

When both lines distinctly appeared on the pregnancy test, denial came first.

The tears followed.

Hot, quick, silent sobs were next.

Silent because this was a secret.

Fear followed the crying. All while sitting in my mother’s bathroom.

“I’m leaving,” I heard her call. She also informed me that my Target uniform T-shirt was hanging in the laundry room.

I sobbed again. Only this time louder.

My mom still did my laundry.

How would she feel if she knew there could be laundry from a baby? I was never going to tell her. I was alone. Loneliness was the emotion that didn’t retreat. The denial left. I stopped crying. Loneliness was the emotion that didn’t retreat. Fear and loneliness traveled with me for several days.

Alone, I called an abortion clinic. They had an immediate opening.  They wanted to know if I wanted a “Private VIP” abortion experience.

“What?”

“You would be the only patient in the clinic. You can have a guest until you go to sleep. The full staff will be attending you. Then it will all be over. You won’t have to worry anymore.”

I didn’t have a guest to take. I didn’t have money for even the non-VIP experience. AND abortion wasn’t right.

We’re all lonely sometimes, but after a lot of prayers, I decided an open adoption was the only option I could live with.

My little girl is three now. I see her regularly, and I do my own laundry.

She lives with a family who I adore.  I’ve become a supervisor at work and am taking night classes for a college education.

I no longer feel lonely.

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