Many birth mothers want an open adoption. They want Christmas contact as well as other contacts during the year.
If you have decided you want an open adoption, please continue reading. You will want to find an adoptive family that has the same view of the future.
You and your adoptive family must agree on what part you will play in your child’s life, not only during the holidays but throughout the rest of the year.
At Heart to Heart, we help you select potential adoptive parents who will allow you the openness you want.
Before placement, some potential adoptive parents may agree to openness, including emails, visits, pictures, and phone calls.
After the adoption, some families may change their minds.
Here are four warning signs suggesting the couple may reconsider an open adoption:
Number 1–The family profile and discussions deal with the child—there is little talk about you.
If a family isn’t discussing your needs as well as the baby, this is a warning sign–not necessarily a deciding factor but potentially a red flag.
Little focus on your needs might occur because the family doesn’t know you and is unsure what to say. But if this lack of concern for you continues, consider this a warning sign.
At the least, you should have a discussion with the prospective parents. Specifically, ask how they expect you to be involved in later years.
Number 2–The family is undecided about meeting with you.
To understand each other, we must communicate. An open adoption requires appreciating one another. This comes through communication. You want a family who sees you as an individual. You should never be seen as just a means to an end.
Again, the hesitation to communicate is just a warning sign. We have known potential parents who are terrified of getting close to you in such an uncertain situation.
If you want to meet, ensure they know that meeting before the placement is important to you.
Number 3–A family has no boundaries.
Every human relationship must have boundaries. If a couple appears to provide you with everything you request, they may not have analyzed the future.
If you find they agree to everything you ask for and repeatedly concede on their values and beliefs, you should ask yourself why.
Is this compromising because they appreciate and have faith in you? Or are they agreeing because they are so excited about parenting that they are ready to do whatever you ask?
Certainly, their inability to say no to you could be pre-adoption fears.
Have a face-to-face dialogue before any of you is too emotionally engaged.
Number 4–The family refuses to connect with an adoption agency.
Potential parents who adopt through an agency are expected to take courses.
These educational opportunities teach the advantages of preserving a strong relationship with birth families after placement.
So, remember that education has its benefits, but that should only be one of many considerations when choosing a family.
Before placing your child, you must feel peace about your decisions. You should feel comfortable communicating with the potential adoptive family. They should have beliefs comparable to you, and you should all have reasonable expectations.