Birth Mother - Missing Your Own High Expectations Is Not Failure!
Hello! My name is Rebekah. I am 39 years old and I am a birth mother to a wonderful five year old little boy named Tyrus. Before Tyrus was born I thought a lot about what I wanted my relationship to look like with him. I knew I was not going to be the one raising him. I knew that I had chosen a family for him that lived states away. But, I still had some ideas about how I could stay in touch and be part of his life from a distance.
One thing that was a really big deal for me was that I wanted to find a bunch of the same matching stationary. I was going to write Tyrus a letter every month of his life until he turned one year old. After he turned a year I would write him a letter every six months and then after that I would just make sure I wrote once a year or more depending on what I could think to write to him. I knew that he couldn’t read, but I had this dream of his mom and dad handing him all these cute little matching envelopes some day with my letters in them wrapped up in a ribbon from his birth mom. How special would that be for him or maybe for his future wife and kids to have a little history on his life?
As the first year of his life passed by, and then the second and third and now fifth, I realized that my idea of what I wanted my relationship to look like with my birth son was not going according to plan. I had not written him as many letters as I wanted to, and I wasn’t making phone calls to him very often. I started to feel like a bit of a failure in the relationship department with my birth son. The guilt set in.
Tyrus’s mother and I have a pretty good relationship. Ironically, we have the same name, “Rebekah,” so I will refer to her as my birth son’s mom. A couple weeks ago we were having a conversation and I was telling her how I was just really feeling like a failure when it came to my relationship with Tyrus. I wanted to do more for him and I hoped it wasn’t too late. Tyrus’ mother is a beautiful lady and someone I have great respect for. What she said to me next would change the way I looked at adoption and my role in nurturing my relationship with my birth son. Her words to me were:
“Rebekah, my love for you is so great. God doesn’t hold your failures against you; you shouldn’t either.”
“It’s never too late to invest in relationships.”
“Tyrus adores you and all the things that you do for him. He’s never once talked about the things you don’t do.”
It was like a light went on in my head. She was right. I was the one putting all these expectations on myself. Tyrus enjoyed the letters I did send and had no idea about the letters I didn’t send. The few birthday presents and Christmas presents I’ve sent him he still speaks about and plays with. But, he never speaks about things I didn’t do for him. It’s still hard for me to let go of the guilt. I think somewhere in my heart there is this responsibility I feel because I did birth Tyrus and naturally as a mother you want to do more and more. I had to come to terms with the fact that I did place him for adoption. I did trust Rebekah and Ben to raise him and give him all the physical and emotional love that he needs…and you know what….they are!!
I’m so blessed to have the relationship with my son’s mother that I do. It has truly been a gift. Going forward I will make every effort I can to have a relationship with my son and try and let the guilt of the situation settle down and give it to God. Adoption requires a lot of trust and I’m learning every day what that looks like for me.
Adding To Your Family After Placing A Child For Adoption
Hello! My name is Rebekah I am 39 years old and I am a birth mom to a sweet five year old little boy. I also have seven other children. Four of them I gave birth to and my three newest children are my wonderful step children. I have a very large blended family with kids spanning from ages five all the way up to 18.
Five years ago I made the very hard but responsible choice to give my fifth baby up for adoption, leaving me with just the four children I had chose to parent. Going through the adoption process left me in a whirlwind of emotions as a mom. On one hand I felt like I made the best choice I could for my newborn because instead of living a life in daycare and full of custody disputes I had given him a chance at wholeness. On the other hand I didn’t know where that left me as a mom. What If I got remarried? What if my new husband wanted to have more kids? Did I deserve to have more kids? After all I just gave one away right?
I chose not to date for a period of time after I had my birth son. I felt I needed time to heal and process all the events of the last nine months. For about two years I just spent time with my kids and allowed my heart to settle. That’s when I met my husband. I didn’t expect to meet someone so soon but it happened and he fit so well into my life that I fell in love with him.
We had such a special relationship. I loved him so much but I was having a very difficult time with the fact that he had three kids and they were very young. There was a battle going on in my head. I didn’t know if I was worthy or even allowed to have more kids. Wasn’t there some kind of written rule that after placing a child for adoption you shouldn’t have more? I was so confused and scared. There was no rule book or instruction book on this subject. How was I going to figure this out? I didn’t want to lose him…he was my answer to prayer.
We dated for several months and our kids loved each other and our our love grew as well. The more time we spent together the more I started to become more comfortable with the growing feeling that I was about to be a new mom to three more kids, but I kept asking myself “Is this ok?…Am I allowed to be doing this?”
I think every birth mom will face the situation I was in. I am so glad that during this time I had a good support team to help me through this difficult emotional challenge I had in front of me. In my mind I just didn’t feel worthy to be parenting any more kids since I chose not to parent my son. What I discovered after much prayer and council was that I was worthy. I was capable and I was allowed to have more kids. I discovered that there are moments in our lives that we have to make hard decisions, but that those moments do not define our future.
Today I am happily married to a wonderful man. I do have eight kids….seven I parent….one I do not…but that is ok because I am just in another “moment” in my life. Things change, people grow, life evolves. Thanks so much for reading. Rebekah Bancroft-Birthmom
The Right Family: Birth Mothers, We'll Support You
would pick me.” said one woman as she discussed her desire to adopt. “I’m a single mom with a teenage daughter.”
She had a point. Many birth mothers focus on giving their child a traditional family. However, there are so many unique circumstances with birth mothers and adoptive families. One case worker encouraged the woman to follow her heart and complete a home study. What did she have to lose?
There is the old adage, “There’s a lid for every pot.” This suggests that whatever you are like, whatever your perceived shortcomings, there is someone made for you.
We can’t and don’t promise a match for every potential family. We can say, however, that our single mother completed her home study in late October. In November, she was contacted about an expectant mother who was considering adoption i. The two families spent Christmas together and the baby was born the end of January.
The single mom and the birth mother have a unique bond. They both love the same son.
Projected Timetable for Adoption
Recently someone sent us a message asking what a reasonable timeline on adoption was.
We had no answer.
Times have changed so rapidly in 2020. We can’t even guess. The situation for some adoptive families has changed. We are comforting them as they realize right now is not the perfect time for them to adopt. Birth mothers are finding this time of Covid-19 especially challenging. We don’t want expectant mothers to feel overwhelmed right now and make a decision they will regret once this pandemic has passed.
Birth Mothers We Hear You
We recognized the unique challenges presented to you right now. At the best of times, giving birth is full of unknowns. With this global pandemic, there are even more unknowns. We love you. We will support you.
We want you to know that we will present you with a multitude of options for your baby. This may include couples without children, couples with children, and single parents. These families are in numerous locations.
Perspective Families
We want perspective families to know that you must be prepared for a variety of situations. Some birth mothers will want close contact with their child and would enjoy being invited to family events. Other birth mothers will only want updates.
Relevant People
Our Spring Sale Has Started
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Eligibility for Adoption
Couples should be married for at least two years and have a stable marriage. Single parents are welcome, though opportunities to place with them are fewer.
Individuals should exhibit high moral standards, be emotionally stable, and have good parenting skills.
Applicants should be between the age of 23 and 50 years old, be in good physical health.
Individuals should have sufficient income to care for their family as well as pay the adoption costs.
Individuals must clear a criminal and child abuse background screening.
Individuals must have a favorable current adoptive home study.
Adoptive families must have health insurance that will cover the child they hope to adopt.
Adoptive families with more than four children are discouraged as they are seldom chosen by birth parents.
Adoptive families must be willing to have their children immunized.
Additional items may be required by other states if you are living outside of Utah.
Couples should be married for at least two years and have a stable marriage. Single parents are welcome, though opportunities to place with them are fewer.
Individuals should exhibit high moral standards, be emotionally stable, and have good parenting skills.
Applicants should be between the age of 23 and 50 years old, be in good physical health.
Individuals should have sufficient income to care for their family as well as pay the adoption costs.
Individuals must clear a criminal and child abuse background screening.
Individuals must have a favorable current adoptive home study.
Adoptive families must have health insurance that will cover the child they hope to adopt.
Adoptive families with more than four children are discouraged as they are seldom chosen by birth parents.
Adoptive families must be willing to have their children immunized.
Additional items may be required by other states if you are living outside of Utah.
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Third Party Expenses
Medical Expenses
(Funds will be at risk)
Medical expenses are the responsibility of the adoptive family. About 60% of our birthparents require help with their medical expenses. When appropriate, the agency will assist birthmothers to enroll in Medicaid or private insurance, but cannot guarantee it will apply.
If the delivery is in Utah, the agency has arranged for discounts from most medical providers if Medicaid or private insurance are not available. All medical expenses must be paid at the time of placement to receive the medical discount. With the discount, in Utah, a normal delivery costs $6000 to $10000. We have no arrangements with any hospitals outside of Utah so all cost will need to be negotiated with the hospital by the adoptive family if the birth mother and child are not on Medicaid or private insurance.
Legal Expenses
(Funds will be at risk)
In Utah the legal paperwork is done by the agency with, the exception of terminating the birthfather rights. Part of that process may require that an attorney obtain a “Determination of Paternal Rights”. This will be covered by the agency fee.
For non Utah placements we will contract with an attorney or an agency that can assist with that process. Legal expenses are the responsibility of the adoptive family. In some states we are licensed or can take relinquishment ourselves. We still we charge a legal fee to cover the cost of travel expenses as legal fees.
You will also need legal counsel to finalize the adoption. Utah laws allow families from other states to finalize in Utah with an FBI clearance if either the child was born here or the adoptive family is a resident of Utah. If you are interested in finalizing here please let us know.
ICWA – Indian Child Welfare Act. In some cases where the birth mother and or father are part Native American or Alaskan Village tribe additional court costs of about $4500 will be incurred. The birth mother must appear before a judge ten days after the birth.
Refund Policy
FUNDS MAY BE AT RISK
In most cases, agency fees can be refunded by the agency, in the case of a failed adoption. Agency fees will generally be rolled over to a new situation based on the following criteria:
If the birth mother does not place her child with you, the agency fees paid for that placement will be rolled over to a new situation. If the child is placed in your home, and later removed, no fees will be refunded or rolled over.
Birth Mother Experiences
I’ve heard of a place down South called “Save a Life” that phrase truly describes Heart to Heart because they truly saved me and my two year old son’s life!! To all the girls out there who are scared and alone and know they can’t handle a baby or can give a baby what him or her deserves or what you want them to have, this is God showing you the way out, and you will truly, like me, be in a place of paradise with Heart to Heart.
My experience with Heart to Heart has been like no other. I have come to love and cherish everyone that I have come in contact with at this agency. (Which is almost everyone who works there). I went through a pretty traumatic experience with the first family. After finding out that I had given birth to a beautiful little boy (expecting a girl), but everyone was and still is so supportive and compassionate and helped me through the process of finding a different – more perfect family.
Although placing my baby for adoption was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do, Heart to Heart Adoptions made the experience much more comfortable for me. The care and support that I’ve had from the entire staff was so amazing. Heart to Heart adoptions was like the family that I’ve never had. From the very first phone call that I made until the day I said Goodbye, I’ve felt so much love and support from the entire staff.
This venture has given me time to reflect on what’s important, as well as allowed me to get some much needed rest. The entire Heart to Heart staff has been supportive and kind. The decision to adopt was what was best for me and my baby and I’m eternally grateful to Heart to Heart for making my experience a safe and comfortable one.
I’ve had the most wonderful experience with Heart to Heart. Sondra, Rebecca and Rachel were some of the best people I’ve ever come across. They answered all of my questions, they were helpful, kind, polite, and very knowledgeable about their profession. If I had to refer someone who is in the same situation as me, I would definitely recommend Heart to Heart, a wonderful organization.
I had the best time in Utah, the case manager and counselor were the best ever, much support for me. This delivery was not bad, actually it was the best, no labor pains and it was early so I feel my stay was excellent.
I have loved being at Heart to Heart. Jessica has been my rock through the whole experience. She has been so sweet and so helpful and responds right away whenever I needed to talk or needed anything. Mandy has been an awesome babysitter. She was great with my daughter. I never worried about her when she was in her care. The lunch with my adoptive family was great. It was nice to meet them in person and talk and get to know each other better. The apartment was beyond my wildest dreams. It was beautiful and clean and safe. My experience was great, everyone helped and touched me in so many ways. I went from saying I could never see or hold the baby to being able to numerous times and walking away feeling happy and content with my decision and that is all thanks to everyone here for all their help and support, love and care. Thank you all so much. I couldn’t have done this with out everyone here.
Heart to Heart is a very nice and comfortable experience. They also make things feel alot better emotionally and welcoming. I could not have asked for more than what they had to offer. So I would say 100% good experience. Thank’s alot Rachel.
Heart to Heart is a wonderful program in every way. I have grown very close to the women and will miss them very much. Talking with the adoptive family they have also enjoyed working with Heart to Heart. Thanks for a wonderful experience.
When I arrived in Utah, I was scared and unsure of what to expect. I was approached by a warm friendly face at the bag claim. Her name was Jessica. From that day on I was sure that my stay would be an unforgettable one. I loved my apartment, the scenery, and as well as the attentive workers that Heart to Heart has. I know my decision was a proactive one, thanks to the support and love I received from everyone I met. I feel as if I have made lifetime friends.
I am blessed to have found this agency. They have been nothing but wonderful since day one. Everyone has been so kind and understanding. Totally going out of their way to make sure I have been fully taken are of. They have made a really hard and difficult time of my life so much easier. They’ve been so prompt in taking care of everything, which leaves me to be able to deal with my own issues and not have to stress about everything else. I would highly recommend this agency to anyone who is in my situation and considering adoption. Heart to Heart will make this uneasy and difficult time of your life as easy as they can leaving you with no worries! They are all wonderful people! There is nothing more I could ask for or want from Heart to Heart. I can’t put into words how grateful I am for this agency. They all have made me feel at peace with my decision. I can’t thank them enough!
I’m just so blessed that I found your agency and that you sent my son to such wonderful people. I pray for him and them every day and I can kind of move on a little bit knowing that he’s being well cared for. I will always have a place in my heart for him. I just can’t thank you guys enough for everything that you’ve done for me. God bless each and everyone of you at Heart to Heart Agency.
My experience was great here. I’m actually glad I decided to come here because it was very peaceful for me and I got a lot of things straight about myself and my family. The case managers, counselors, baby sitters and all are very awesome and will be truly missed. Yes, I was upset about leaving the baby but I decided I want something for him that I never had and that’s love and a family, but most important a better future. It’s not an easy thing to do but whatever is best for baby let it be.
I am so happy with everything – Heart to Heart and the adoptive family. I couldn’t have chosen a better company or had a better experience. I will never forget you guys and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
My experience here with the Heart to Heart company has been an awesome experience. I’ve learned to stand up for my own choices and not to let my mind change. I thank God, Jesus my Lord and Savior for bringing and guiding me here. Just remember a family with lots of love is waiting to care and raise your baby. Praise God. I know without a doubt God will keep guiding my way to a full term recovery. I promise to care for myself and to know the sky is the limit. I want to thank God for Heart to Heart angels.
I love my case manager Sondra, and my counselor Rebecca. They were so good to me, every step of the way. Hope to see them again.
I knew from the beginning this wasn’t going to be easy, but with the help of the agency, it was more comforting. I wouldn’t have done this without the support and counseling and support of my family. Heart to Heart is amazing, their agency is a blessing.
At first I was confused and scared. I made my decision only two days before giving birth. The adoptive family was wonderful. My case worker was amazing. I know we made the right decision. I want what is best for my child. I know she is going to be loved and well taken care of. I will miss her more than anything in the world. I wish with all of my heart that I was able to take care of her myself but at this point in my life it is impossible. I’m happy adoption was a choice for me. I love you baby girl and I will never forget you.
My experience couldn’t have been better. I absolutely love my case manager Patti and counselor Rebecca. All the staff at Heart to Heart are genuine caring people. They took such good care of us both, especially with support. God blessed us with the best possible family match. The birth father and I love them so much and are grateful for the wonderful upbringing we know our son will have. Heart to Heart made a tough situation a beautiful experience and with their help we will never worry about our little one’s precious life but will instead look forward to hearing about how our whole adoptive family is doing which I know will be awesome!
This has been a great as well as a different experience, but the joy of helping someone else is a big deal to me. Giving someone else the gift of a child is something very special. The more I think about it, it’s clear I am doing what’s right for this child and me, as well as the parents that are adopting my child. Don’t think I don’t love my child, it’s just the best thing for the child, me and the parents. Heart to Heart really cares.
Words cannot express how I feel about each and every one of you. I thank you for taking your job seriously and considering your work as more than just a business, It takes a special person to do what y’all do. I just thank God for sending me so many angels in my time of need. From the bottom of my heart, I have a deep respect for y’all and thank you for helping me through making the hardest decision of my life. I am forever grateful.
I had a very great experience with my trip to Utah. I’m so happy I decided to make this trip. I’m feeling happy about the decision I’ve made, I feel that I’ve made a wise and brave decision. I believe that if I can do it any young woman can. You just have to keep God by your side and a support person. No matter how hard it may seem, trust you can do it. And while on this trip I’ve made a wonderful friend, and I love the staff members, especially my lovely beautiful friend Ashley. She’s a doll.
I have had an AMAZING experience. I’ve loved all the ladies I’ve worked with from Debi to Kim and everyone in between! I’ve chosen a great family and formed a strong bond with them. I’ve had so much fun and learned a lot in our groups. Met other birth moms with amazing stories! I also had a great opportunity to meet with a group of new adoptive couples and got to share my story as well as hear theirs! It’s been a tough road but it turned out to be the most meaningful and greatest decision I’ve made. I’ve gained a lot of peace and confidence from Heart to Heart and learned how to feel comfortable talking about my adoption process! Thanks!!
I love Heart to Heart. They are very helpful and dependable. Do they do everything they say they’re going to do? Yes and more! Everybody I worked with was so nice. They strive to be the best agency and they are! They will do anything to make you feel comfortable. My first day in Utah was very depressing but they called and checked on me often to make my stay better! They visited me, took me to my doctor appointments, they even have activities and counseling if needed. They are the best. Heart to Heart is a 5 Star agency! I love each and every person that helped me through this difficult time!
I’ve had a lot of support finding the perfect family for my son. Telling my family was very difficult and they didn’t take it very well, but through it all, I knew I had Debi and Rachel there to help me through. I couldn’t have asked for anything more, everyone who’s helped has gone above and beyond.
I’ve had a great experience. Very helpful and loving people with our best interests at Heart to Heart. Wouldn’t have chosen any other.
My experience with Heart to Heart has been and is wonderful. Everyone in the agency has been so understanding and caring – doing what they do best. Although the situation isn’t one that was planned, I am so happy with the outcome. I am so glad that I could give Enes and Mubera a baby girl and I am even more happy that I could give my sweet Denis a biological little sister. It puts me at peace knowing that they will grow up together with their family being the most caring and loving people I’ve met in a long time. God couldn’t have blessed me with a better family or a better agency. Thank you all for making this process as easy as it could be. Bless you all.
Being here with Heart to Heart has been the happiest time for me the second time around. The staff is so very loving and I will always carry them in my heart and soul because without them I couldn’t have done it. I also want to thank the Lord because without Him none of this would have happened. May God bless them ALL.
Jessica and Rebecca are the best people to have when you’re going through this step. They make you feel like family, and I love both Jessica and Rebecca for that. When I came down I didn’t have anyone there for me and my case manager and counselor worked with me to make me feel loved. I would like them to know that I love them and that I’m so thankful for them. Thank you Jessica and Rebecca, my best friends here in Utah.
My experience here was great, it was my first time ever doing anything like this. But the people here are nice and very reliable and helped me out every way they could. I’ve grown to love these people so much and they helped me out a lot. I’m glad I came, if I didn’t I don’t know where I would be. I just want to let them know I thank them a whole lot from the bottom of my heart. I truly love ya’ll. Thank you.
I had a good experience with Heart to Heart. They have been wonderful. They have been so nice. They have treated me with dignity and respect. I want to say thank you for such a great experience.
I’ve had a wonderful experience with Heart to Heart and met a lot of nice people. I am thankful and satisfied with the outcome.
This was the hardest decision I have and probably ever will make in my life. All the ladies (especially Rachel) were really amazing. They helped me focus on the positive and reminded me that I am making the best decision for my daughter. I could not have gone through with the adoption if I didn’t have them by my side. Heart to Heart is a really amazing agency who works miracles. All the employees truly are angels and I am forever in their debt. Thank you for giving my daughter the opportunity to have a better life. I wish there was a way I could pay them back for everything they have done for me and my baby girl.
Heart to Heart was wonderful to us and made sure me and my fiance were very comfortable at all times and took very good care of both of us. I would recommend Heart to Heart to any mother that may be looking to place her child for adoption! We thank you for everything.
At this moment I’m at peace, happy with the decision I’ve made for my son and myself. The adoptive parents are really a blessing and that makes me feel comfortable with the decision I’ve made. Jessica, Patti, Michelle, Julie and Rebecca – words cannot express my love and feelings I have for them. I worked with a phenomenal team. Wouldn’t change a thing. I feel like we all have become family. Don’t know what I’m going to do without them. I love you guys. Blessed – I am.
My experience was great. Everyone was very supportive. The family was amazing and there couldn’t have been a better match. I would recommend Heart to Heart Adoptions to anyone in a similar situation.
Everyone at Heart to Heart has been more than helpful, very nice and extremely supportive during this entire process. Not only are they professional with their work but they are fun to be around and easy to relate to. I would absolutely recommend working with Heart to Heart to anyone considering adoption. No matter what background you come from or whatever situation you are in I’m confident they can make the best of the most difficult situation. Jessica and Julie have been amazing!
My experience has been great. They are very supportive when you need them and they make you feel super comfortable. I wish other agencies were like this but I’m thankful to come in contact with Heart to Heart.
Our experience with Heart to Heart was wonderful. The staff was very friendly and helpful. They made every effort to make sure our needs and wants were taken care of. My husband and our two sons felt as if they were welcomed and at home. I recommend Heart to Heart Adoption services because they have birth parents’ best interest in mind and heart.
– Chiquita
I’ve been trying to get in contact with you all to say thank you. I really appreciate your help with my last minute adoption. Although it was a difficult decision, I am certain that Julius will have the best life possible with Dennis and Sharyl. I’m so grateful that it was your agency that I contacted. It was a perfect match. Your legal team was truly a blessing…Charlie was the best. All of you helped me both mentally and emotionally.
Best wishes, Chealsea
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Illinois Adoption
Heart to Heart Adoptions 101 North Marion Suite 208 Oak Park, Ill 60301
Phone 708-663-4189
Call toll free: Birth Parents 877-437-3424 Adoptive Parents 866-712-3678[/su_column] [su_column size=”2/3″][su_gmap width=”500″ height=”380″ address=”1110 North Boulevard, Oak Park, IL 60301″][/su_column][/su_row]
