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My Birth Denial Came First–An Open Adoption Next

The tears followed.

Hot, quick, silent sobs were next.

Silent because this was a secret.

Fear followed the crying. All while sitting in my mother’s bathroom.

“I’m leaving,” I heard her call. She also informed me that my Target uniform T-shirt was hanging in the laundry room.

I sobbed again. Only this time louder.

My mom still did my laundry.

How would she feel if she knew there could be laundry from a baby? I was never going to tell her. I was alone. Loneliness was the emotion that didn’t retreat. The denial left. I stopped crying. Loneliness was the emotion that didn’t retreat. Fear and loneliness traveled with me for several days.

Alone, I called an abortion clinic. They had an immediate opening.  They wanted to know if I wanted a “Private VIP” abortion experience.

“What?”

“You would be the only patient in the clinic. You can have a guest until you go to sleep. The full staff will be attending you. Then it will all be over. You won’t have to worry anymore.”

I didn’t have a guest to take. I didn’t have money for even the non-VIP experience. AND abortion wasn’t right.

We’re all lonely sometimes, but after a lot of prayers, I decided an open adoption was the only option I could live with.

My little girl is three now. I see her regularly, and I do my own laundry.

She lives with a family who I adore.  I’ve become a supervisor at work and am taking night classes for a college education.

I no longer feel lonely.