Sharice didn’t want an open adoption.
The pregnant woman seemed resolute about placing her baby. Just not an open adoption.
“But I don’t want to, like, see him or visit with the adoptive parents.” Sharice shook her head. “Maybe when he’s 18 years old,” she paused and considered. “Actually,” she continued, “I’m sure I’ll want to get in touch with him when he is older, like 18 or something, and explain everything.”
Reasons Birth Moms Choose Closed Adoption vs Open Adoption
At Heart to Heart Adoptions, we hear a variety of reasons why birth mothers are concerned about open adoption vs closed adoption.
Sharice’s reason was not uncommon. “I don’t want to give up my baby to someone that will see me at my worst,” Sharice confided.
Darla, who works with potential adoptive families and helps match them with birth mothers, was saddened to hear of this fear. She takes great care in vetting families and building relationships with them through extensive conversations. Darla would find a family who would approach Sharice’s situation with empathy and understanding, without judgment for any challenges she has faced. Darla aims to create positive connections that benefit both the birth mothers and adoptive families.
Open adoption comes in all forms
Most adoptive and birth families connect through an online message app, sharing videos, pictures, and written messages. Other open adoptions include phone calls and visits.
Sharice was worried about how her relationship with the adoptive family might unfold—a concern many birth mothers share when considering an open adoption vs a closed adoption. And that’s just one of the reasons birth mothers express hesitations about open adoption.
Here is a summary of some of the other concerns we have heard as birth mothers wonder if an open adoption is best for them.
Need Emotional Distancing with Closed Adoption
Maintaining a relationship with the child might feel overwhelming for some birth mothers. They may feel that this will hinder their ability to move forward and overcome the grief of placing a child.
Fear of Attachment in Open Adoption
Women who have just given birth may worry about forming a bond that could complicate their lives and emotions in the long term.
Privacy and Personal Boundaries
Avoiding ongoing contact allows birth mothers to avoid exposing themselves to others.
Protecting Current or Future Relationships
Some new mothers desire to shield current or future partners and children from complications that might arise from an open adoption.
Psychological Closure
They may believe that a closed adoption provides a sense of finality and allows them to process their grief and loss more effectively.
Avoiding Second-Guessing
Not having information about the child’s life might prevent constant questioning of their decisions.
Facilitating Moving On
A clean break could make focusing on personal growth and future life goals easier.
Boundary Concerns
Without clear boundaries, an open adoption can be intimidating.
Family Pressure
Relatives might discourage open adoption due to shame, stigma, or traditional views on adoption.
Avoiding Confusion
A belief that limited contact might allow the child to integrate into their adoptive family more fully without identity confusion.
Avoiding Conflicts
Birth families might be concerned about possible differences with the adoptive family over the child’s upbringing.
Future Concerns
Birth mothers are often thinking about the future and worry that the changes in living situations, employment, and location could affect an open adoption
These concerns are logical, but they are not insurmountable.
At Heart to Heart Adoptions, we carefully screen potential adoptive parents to find individuals who are open to and ready for an open adoption if the birth mother prefers this option.
Typically, an open adoption is facilitated through a secure app that allows for communication between birth parents and adoptive families. A third party can moderate the app to ensure positive and healthy conversations. Hundreds of families share pictures, videos, and messages through this app. These same birth mothers send messages about their own lives and accomplishments.
Read our next blog to learn about the pros and cons and the difference between open adoption and closed adoption. You might also want to read about why Garrett’s closed adoption didn’t stay closed.
