"You're Good-Looking for a Black Person" — And Other Compliments That Aren't
"You're good-looking for a Black person."
Damian has heard this kind of comment most of his life.
“When I was a little kid, I thought it was a real compliment,” the 23-year-old says. “Now I recognize how degrading that statement was.”
“I wish more Black people would act like you,” one woman used to say to Damian during high school.
“She tried to compliment me by belittling my race,” Damian said. “So I refused to be around her. My white friends thought she was a really nice person, but I knew better.”
Using Someone Else's Blackness as a Social Badge
That same woman is still in Damian’s orbit, mostly on social media. She reposts inspirational quotes about racial equality and shares old photos of herself with Damian and his friends.
“The pictures are old,” Damian said, “but she’s still hauling them out, using me to get likes.”
"When I Walk Into a Room, I Have to Prove Myself"
Damian’s university classes moved online during the pandemic, but before that, he regularly walked into predominantly white classrooms.
“When I walk into a room, I must prove myself. Whites don’t have to prove themselves,” he said without bitterness. “As a Black person, you have to be good-looking and have social skills. Those are the attributes whites want to see. But what if your talent is being smart? That attribute isn’t so easily observable.”
He continued: “Watch movies. Black characters are either ‘the whole package.’ Meaning good-looking with minimal black features and also great social skills. Or the Black characters are the creepy bad guy. Movies present a wide range of white personalities. You can find exceptions to everything I’m saying, but they’re exceptions, not the norm.”
Damian Turns the Mirror on Himself
Damian doesn’t exempt himself from this conversation.
“The media portrays Asians as uptight and good at math,” the college senior said. “That’s just as unfair as how Blacks are portrayed, yet I’ve subconsciously bought into it. When I meet an Asian for the first time, I assume he can help me with math but won’t be much fun. I don’t think I’m a bad person just because I stereotype. I just want to be aware of it.”
What This Means for Transracial Adoptive Families
If you are a white adoptive parent bringing a Black child into your home, that child should experience unconditional love from white people. This love is not contingent on their looks, their social ease, or how well they fit a narrow ideal.
Make certain the birth mother knows she is loved unconditionally as well. Where possible, build a genuine, lasting relationship with the birth family.
Could this, in a small way, help close the racial gap? Could this truly create a diverse, expansive family and in doing so, quietly dismantle stereotypes one relationship at a time?
This, of course, is our humble prayer.
