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Choosing an adoptive family in New York
Choosing who will raise your child is the most personal part of this whole process — and it’s entirely yours. You’re never stuck with just one or two options. You never have to settle.
You Are in Charge: Picking the Right Family for Your Baby
At Heart to Heart Adoptions, we understand that choosing an adoptive family can feel scary and overwhelming. We’re here to help you every step of the way.
Here are the most important things to think about, in order of importance:
- Your Baby’s Safety and Happiness: We carefully check every family to make sure they are good, kind people. We look at their legal background, money situation, and mental health. Your baby’s well-being is our top priority.
- Type of Adoption: Decide how much contact you want after the adoption. Do you want:
- An open adoption where you can get updates and maybe visit
- A closed adoption with little to no contact
- A middle ground with some communication
Florida Phone: 518-557-1722
Ithaca, New York Office
200 E Buffalo St # 301, Ithaca, NY 14850
Reviewed by: Jodi Grizzle, LCSW (Clinical Director) | Wendy Knowles, Birth Parent Support Specialist
Last reviewed: July 2026
What should I look for when reviewing family profiles?
Your preferences are what matter here. Birth mothers most often think about
- Family Structure: Think about the type of family you want:
- A married couple
- A single parent
- A same-sex couple
- A family with or without other children
- Location: Consider where you want your child to grow up:
- Close to you
- In a big city
- In a different state
- Somewhere with lots of opportunities
- Cultural Awareness: Choose a family that:
- Understands and respects different cultures
- Can support your child’s cultural background
- Will help your child feel proud of who they are
- Religion: If this matters to you, ask about:
- The family’s religious beliefs
- How they plan to raise your child spiritually
- What kind of religious experiences your child might have.
Questions to Ask an Adoptive Family
You can download or just review this list of questions to consider asking while talking to a potential adoptive family.
Can I meet the family before I decide?
Yes!
At Heart to Heart Adoption, we encourage meeting the potential adoptive family in person, video call, or phone call. Most families are open to a phone or video call before anything is decided. Many will meet in person.
Just because you meet them, you are not committed to placing your child with them. You can talk to or meet numerous families. If you talk to a family and feel unsure, you keep looking. Haley or another case manager will help you contact and even been on the call if you feel more comfortable with the situation
Your caseworker will help you get ready: what to ask, what to listen for, and what real commitment to open adoption sounds like compared to someone just telling you what you want to hear.
Understand Your Adoption Plan
If you want to understand what the adoption plan can look like and discuss changes with those helping you from Heart to Heart Adoptions.
What questions should I ask a family in New York?
- About staying open: How do you picture our relationship in five years? What would you do if I wanted more contact than we first agreed to?
- About parenting: How will you talk to your child about adoption? How do you handle conflict?
- About their life: What does a normal week look like for you? What’s your community like? What’s your neighborhood like?
- About New York specifically: If they’re local, are they open to visits in the city or area your child might grow up knowing?
- About where they are in the process: What has their adoption journey looked like so far? What are they most nervous about?
Can I choose a family in New York? Can I choose a family from another state?
Either one. Many birth mothers in New York want to have a family that live close by in the state. They like the idea of visiting as the child grow up. Some birth mothers are more comfortable with a family that lives further away, maybe even in a different state. These women feel that the distance, gives a different setting and a fresh start. We will help you find the right family in the right places.
Can I choose a family that reflects my cultural background?
Yes!
New York has incredible diversity all over the state. And, of course, birth mothers reflect that diversity. You are different from any other birth mother that we have worked with before. We respect the differences. Heritage, language, faith, and community values are all things you can ask for. Tell your case worker. They’ll search with that in mind.
“I was so scared about the birth. Pregnancy wasn’t bad, but I’d heard so many horror stories and was terrified. Kathy came with me and she helped me communicate with the hospital staff about what kind of pain killers I wanted and what I wanted with the birth. She also communicated with my family that was going to adopt Sophie. At first I didn’t think I wanted them to come in for a couple days. But then I decided I wanted to be with them and with Sophie. ”
— Birth Mother, New York
A New York adoption story
The twins were Chloe’s* second family. A family she had craved to the point that she used part of her considerable fortune to have an IVF procedure. She had an older son that was married and living in California and she had a daughter who was close by in New York. The twins were born about the time that Chloe was diagnosed with a debilitating illness. For a few months she hired a nanny to care for the small infants. But it became apparent that Chloe would not ever be able to care for them by herself, and she would probably not see the small boy and tiny girl passed their tween years. The older children were not in a position to care for the high-maintenance duo.
Placing these infants for adoption was an agonizing decision for the rest of the family, And certainly, they all wanted to continue to be part of the children’s lives. Finding an adoptive family that would respect the openness that Chleo wanted and felt like the right fit for Chloe and her other children took a little while. All three of the adults looked through family profiles. All three of the adults talked to prospective adoptive families.
That was over two years ago. The families have become one. Chloe is doing well with medical care; the older siblings speak and talk to the younger ones. The families share big milestones, but more importantly they share the small things such as what are the twin’s favorite foods and how much their laugh is like the older brother’s. It has been a beautiful experience.
- Name changed
We will help you find a family that will meet your definition of an open adoption. Go here to read more.
→ Open adoption in New York — enforceable contact agreements
Real Questions Women Ask About Choosing Adoptive Parents
Explore each topic in more detail.
What if I want a family with children already?
That’s a completely valid preference. Tell your caseworker, and they’ll search for families who already have children at home, if that’s what feels right to you.
Can I choose a single parent?
Yes. Heart to Heart works with single parents as well as couples. If that’s your preference, your caseworker will include single-parent profiles in your search.
Can I choose a family of a certain faith?
Yes. Faith and religious upbringing are common and legitimate preferences. Tell your caseworker what matters to you, and they’ll search with that in mind.
Can I choose a family in New York?
Your caseworker and lawyer will explain New York’s specific requirements for this situation, which still allow your adoption plan to move forward through the proper legal steps.
Can I meet the family?
Yes, if you’d like to. Most families are open to a call, video chat, or in-person meeting before anything is decided. Meeting isn’t a commitment.
What questions should I ask?
Questions about how they handle conflict, how they plan to talk to your child about adoption, what their daily life looks like, and how they picture staying in touch are all good starting points. See the downloadable list above for more.
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Can I talk with them during pregnancy?
Yes, if both you and the family want to. Many birth mothers build a relationship with their chosen family well before their due date.
What if I don't like any profiles?
Keep looking. You’re never limited to the first set of profiles you see. Heart to Heart has dozens of waiting families, and partnerships with other agencies can open up even more options.
What if I choose a family and then change my mind about them?
You can change your mind at any point before consent is final. Picking a family doesn’t lock you in. Tell your caseworker. They handle the conversation with the family, and you go back to reviewing profiles.
How do I know the family will honor the open adoption agreement?
New York lets you set up a contact agreement a judge can approve and enforce — that gives it real legal weight. Heart to Heart also stays involved after placement. If the agreement isn’t being honored, your caseworker speaks up for you directly.
We're Here for You
Whether you're just starting to explore or ready to talk, our compassionate team is here to listen and support you—without pressure or judgment.
Read about real New York placements that Heart to Heart Adoptions was privileged to be involved in.
Check here to find helpful information you may want to understand better.
New York Downloadable PDFs to Help Plan an Adoption
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