COMPLIMENTS THAT AREN'T COMPLIMENTS
"You're Good-Looking for a Black Person" And Other Compliments That Aren't
This wasn’t the first time he had heard these racist compliments
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"You're good-looking for a Black person."
Damian has heard this kind of comment most of his life.
“When I was a little kid, I thought it was a real compliment,” the 23-year-old says. “Now I recognize how degrading that statement was.”
“I wish more Black people would act like you,” one woman used to say to Damian during high school.
“She tried to compliment me by belittling my race,” Damian said. “So I refused to be around her. My white friends thought she was a really nice person, but I knew better.”
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Using Someone Else's Blackness as a Social Badge
That same woman is still in Damian’s orbit, mostly on social media. She reposts inspirational quotes about racial equality and shares old photos of herself with Damian and his friends.
“The pictures are old,” Damian said, “but she’s still hauling them out, using me to get likes.”
"When I Walk Into a Room, I Have to Prove Myself"
Damian’s university classes moved online during the pandemic, but before that, he regularly walked into predominantly white classrooms.
“When I walk into a room, I must prove myself. Whites don’t have to prove themselves,” he said without bitterness. “As a Black person, you have to be good-looking and have social skills. Those are the attributes whites want to see. But what if your talent is being smart? That attribute isn’t so easily observable.”
He continued: “Watch movies. Black characters are either ‘the whole package.’ Meaning good-looking with minimal black features and also great social skills. Or the Black characters are the creepy bad guy. Movies present a wide range of white personalities. You can find exceptions to everything I’m saying, but they’re exceptions, not the norm.”
What This Means for Transracial Adoptive Families
If you are a white adoptive parent bringing a Black child into your home, that child should experience unconditional love from white people. This love is not contingent on their looks, their social ease, or how well they fit a narrow ideal.
Make certain the birth mother knows she is loved unconditionally as well. Where possible, build a genuine, lasting relationship with the birth family.
Read more about becoming a biracial family.
Learning everything you can and understanding the experiences of others will help you help your child.
Want to Know More
Your Questions, Answered
What is a "racial compliment," and why is it harmful?
A racial compliment is praise that lifts one person by implying the rest of their racial group falls short. Phrases like “you’re good-looking for a Black person” or “I wish more Black people would act like you” are framed as kindness but are basically negative because they suggest the rest of the race is not so good.
What does it mean to use someone's race as a social badge?
Bragging about their open-mindedness by using a relationship with someone of another race. The friendship probably isn’t a real friendship but a way for one person to manage their own reputation.
Why do Black people often feel pressure to "prove themselves" in predominantly white spaces?
Black people have to prove that they have the qualities that are respected by whites. These include social etiquette and language skills. Whites don’t face this. This kind of constant proofing themselves can be really exhausting.
How does media representation affect what Black children believe about themselves?
Children need to see realistic portrayals of Blacks on social media. Too often, Blacks are the horrible villains or the perfect characters. Blacks should be portrayed as complex personalities. With realistic lives.
What does unconditional love look like for a Black child in a white adoptive home?
Your child’s place in the home, nor the love you have for them, is not based on how “white” they act.
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REVIEWED BY
Reviewed by licensed adoption professionals at Heart to Heart Adoptions.
