I have had an AMAZING experience. I’ve loved all the ladies I’ve worked with from Debi to Kim and everyone in between! I’ve chosen a great family and formed a strong bond with them. I’ve had so much fun and learned a lot in our groups. Met other birth moms with amazing stories! I also had a great opportunity to meet with a group of new adoptive couples and got to share my story as well as hear theirs! It’s been a tough road but it turned out to be the most meaningful and greatest decision I’ve made. I’ve gained a lot of peace and confidence from Heart to Heart and learned how to feel comfortable talking about my adoption process! Thanks!!
Open, Semi-Open, Closed
There are those who can’t imagine giving birth to a child and then allowing someone else to raise that child.
I want to introduce those people to Shayla*.
Shayla lost several of her toes to frostbite. While lost in a haze of chemicals swimming through her bloodstream, she laid down in an icy back alley and almost died. Court-ordered rehab has not been successful. Instead, the demons Shayla fights, bestowed upon her by a chaotic childhood, have plagued her. Twice, she cradled an infant and begged a family to care for the little child who came into the world battling in utero drug exposure. Both sets of adoptive parents hugged Shayla. Both sets of adoptive parents love her, pray for her, and support her however they can.
I want to introduce those who don’t understand adoption to Trudy.
Trudy has three children and is suffering from a degenerative disease that makes holding her children difficult. She wants an open adoption where she can see her new baby but ensure the child isn’t neglected. There are so many examples we could give you, but in the interest of privacy, please, know, our birth mothers love their children. Our adoptive parents are incredible individuals who willing accept challenging situations. These women don’t easily say, “I want to give my baby away.” These women love their children. They are trying to find the very best situation for everyone. *Names have been changed.
Denial Came First – An Open Adoption Next
When both lines distinctly appeared on the pregnancy test, denial came first.
The tears followed.
Hot, quick, silent sobs were next.
Silent because this was a secret.
Fear followed the crying. All while sitting in my mother’s bathroom.
“I’m leaving,” I heard her call. She also informed me that my Target uniform T-shirt was hanging in the laundry room.
I sobbed again. Only this time louder.
My mom still did my laundry.
How would she feel if she knew there could be laundry from a baby? I was never going to tell her. I was alone. Loneliness was the emotion that didn’t retreat. The denial left. I stopped crying. Loneliness was the emotion that didn’t retreat. Fear and loneliness traveled with me for several days.
Alone, I called an abortion clinic. They had an immediate opening. They wanted to know if I wanted a “Private VIP” abortion experience.
“What?”
“You would be the only patient in the clinic. You can have a guest until you go to sleep. The full staff will be attending you. Then it will all be over. You won’t have to worry anymore.”
I didn’t have a guest to take. I didn’t have money for even the non-VIP experience. AND abortion wasn’t right.
We’re all lonely sometimes, but after a lot of prayers, I decided an open adoption was the only option I could live with.
My little girl is three now. I see her regularly, and I do my own laundry.
Open Adoptions Should Be Designed to Benefit Children
“I’m glad my adoption wasn’t an open adoption,” Karlie said as she posed for a picture with her birth mother.
Karlie is beautiful. She is a stable 25 year old with a career and more shoes than could be found in a small Portuguese village. Shoe fetishes are apparently something that can be inherited, because the recently found birth mother also has more shoes than can be comfortably contained in a large walk-in closet. The adoptive mother, on-the-other-hand, has but a meager supply of footwear.
“If I would have known you before,” Karlie said to the woman that gave birth to her, “I think I would have acted like kids who are in divorced homes always trying to get play one parent against the other.”
Certainly, one mother would have been more predisposed to feed the shoe fetish.
In our last blog, we discussed some of the many advantages to open adoption, including:
- Eliminating secrets and shame.
- Providing answers for children.
- Giving birth mothers a window into their children’s lives and relieves fears or an improper placement.
There are so many forms of open adoption. On the one extreme there is the yearly letters exchanged through social workers and no identifying information. On the other extreme is the birth mother living with the adoptive family.
With social media, openness often takes on a whole new form. Will the biological or the adoptive mother be “stalking” the other on Facebook or Instagram? Will you be friends on social media? Are you going follow one another on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest or exchanges “chats?”
When deciding on what type of openness between the birth family and the adoptive family, everyone involved needs to remember that this arrangement is about meeting the needs of children, not adults.
The children are the one who suffer when suddenly a birth mother who has been available and involved disappears. The children also suffer when they are expected to forego a sleepover with peers because the birth mother is dropping in expectantly.
Of course, there is also the possibility that children will learn how to manipulate parents.
Open adoptions require open and frank communication between all the adults in the child’s life.
At Heart to Heart Adoptions we try to help you find the situation which will work best for you.
Open Adoption. It’s Good Except When It Isn’t
Not many generations ago, adoption was secret and often considered shameful for both the birth mother and the adoptive child. In loving consideration for this “shame,” adoptive parents habitually attempted to hide the adoption from the community as well as the child.
Secret keeping, of course, is always a recipe for disaster since human beings aren’t really emotionally designed to keep secrets. In fact research suggests keeping a secret is actually unhealthy and causes stress. Carrying around major confidences causes a rise in stress hormones and related physical problems.
The last few generations have hopefully erased the shame and need for secrets for both adoptive children and birth mothers, moving us into the space where we have open adoptions. Children know about birth families and adoptive families give updates and communicate with biological families.
Open adoption is good, except when it’s not.
For many years the prevailing theory was that open adoption confused children as to who their parents were and kept birth mothers from successfully moving on with their own lives. Research has debunked these methods. In fact open adoption can do the following:
- Help children understand adoption
- Relieve the fears of adoptive parents
- Help birth mother resolve their grief
Open adoption is good when it eliminates secrets and shame. Open adoption is good when it allows children to have answers. Open adoption is good when it gives birth mothers a window into their children’s lives and relieves fears or an improper placement.
There are so many forms of open adoption–from yearly letters without identifying information to weekly face-to-face contact. However, with social media, openness often takes on a whole new form. Are you going to be friends on Facebook? Are you going follow one another on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest or exchanges “chats?” Will the birth family be included in group texts about the child’s swimming lessons? Will the adoptive family be asked to “save the date” for an upcoming wedding?
When deciding on what type of openness between the birth family and the adoptive family, everyone involved needs to remember that this arrangement is about meeting the needs of children, not adults.
As in any relationship, boundaries for both the birth mother and for the adoptive family are necessary and healthy. In our next blog, we will discuss the boundaries we try to help families establish which will insure an open adoption is good for all the parties involved and the situation they both find themselves in.
Open of Closed Adoptions: The Benefits of Each
The decision to adopt a child or to give up a child for adoption often brings with it a myriad of other decisions, including whether you want to have an open or closed adoption. These decisions will be the basis for how much contact a birth parent or parents have with their child and the child’s adoptive family and can have a significant impact on the life of you and your children for many years to come. It’s important to understand each type so you can determine whether you prefer one or the other, or even some hybrid of the two.
Open Adoption
The term “open adoption” actually covers a pretty wide range of situations, but generally speaking it means that there is some contact between the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the child. One of the biggest benefits of this process is that the birth parent(s) can often be more involved in selecting the family that will adopt the child, and the child can have a good understanding of where he or she came from. An agency like Heart to Heart Adoptions can help you figure out exactly what type of contact is right for your family and work out all the important details of what open adoption means to you.
In open or semi-open adoptions, birth parent(s) often have the chance to review profiles of adoptive families, where they can see things like family life, hobbies, careers, homes, and special interests. Depending on your specific situation, this choice may also provide birth parent(s) and adoptive parent(s) to meet and get to know each other, or to exchange information like photos of the child and updates throughout the years, although none of this is required.
Closed Adoptions
Open and semi-open adoptions are not the right choice for every family. If you prefer to have less or no contact, a closed adoption might work better in your situation. Families who have these types of adoptions will work through an agency and will have no contact between birth parent(s) and adoptive parent(s). While the agency will have all the information about each, that information won’t be shared. The adoptive family will receive a full medical history of the parents, but often nothing beyond that.
The right choice of which type of adoption will work best often comes down to your personal situation. It’s important to know your options, and you can discuss both types with a knowledgeable and helpful adoption specialist at Heart to Heart Adoptions before you make any final decisions. We will work to make sure the process goes smoothly no matter which one you choose.
Why Open Adoption Is Better For Everyone Involved
Hello! My name is Rebekah. I am 39 years old and I am a mom to five wonderful children. Four of those children I chose to parent, and my fifth child I chose not to parent. My birth son is now five years old so I write this article with quite a bit of perspective on the subject of open adoption.
In my ninth week of pregnancy I started to consider adoption. It was such a foreign word to me and I didn’t know much about it. I did know that I had questions that had to be answered before I was to fully commit to placing my sweet baby up for adoption. One of the questions that had to be answered was, “Would my baby have any emotional damage in later years if I put him up for adoption?” I was very concerned about how he would feel about his life and the choices I was about to make for him.
So I set out to answer this question.
The first thing I did was look up the definition of adoption. That should help right?
According to Wikipedia.org, the definition of adoption is as follows: Adoption is a process whereby a person assumes the parenting of another, usually a child, from that person’s biological or legal parent or parents, and, In doing, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities, along with filiation, from the biological parent or parents.
Sigh!!
That’s not what I was looking for. I needed something more personal…I needed to talk to someone who had been adopted. You can always read books and articles but I wanted to know exactly what was going to happen to my baby if I gave him up for adoption. What was he going to feel when he was fifteen or twenty or thirty? What damage will I cause to him by doing this if any at all. So I scowered the internet looking for anyone who was adopted who would talk to me. I found what I was looking for.
I spoke to several people who had been adopted…and I got the same answer from all of them. It usually went something like this. “Ive actually had a great life. My adoptive parents were always kind to me and I had a wonderful childhood….but….Im sad that I don’t know where I came from.”
A bell went off in my head. These people did NOT have bad lives…in fact they had very fulfilling lives but there was one thing that was missing…ROOTS!! Everyone wants to know where they came from. The sadness that these people were describing to me was something I could solve for my son if I gave him up for adoption. If…I went with adoption it would have to be open…very open. I didn’t want him to ever wonder where he came from. So when the time came to make my decision it was easy. I had my proof, and open adoption was my choice and I am so glad I did. My birth son is five years old now and we have a wonderful open relationship. He asks me questions (yes at five years old he is very inquisitive) and I am able to answer them honestly. My son will grow up never wondering where he came from. I hope as the years pass I am able to continue this open relationship with my birth son and his family.
Open adoption has helped me in more ways than one. I have four other children ages 8-18. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was to tell my children they were going to have to say good-bye to their brother. Open adoption gave them the opportunity to always stay in contact with their youngest brother despite the fact that he was part of another loving family.
My son will grow up never wondering where he came from. I thank God for open adoption.
Rebekah Bancroft
Open Vs. Closed Adoption
When a birthmother chooses adoption for her unborn baby, she is faced with two different adoption options: private adoption, otherwise known as closed adoption or open adoption. Heart to Heart strives to help birthmothers with unplanned pregnancies decide which type of adoption best suits individual desires and needs.
Adoption is never an easy decision. Some women feel pressured into adopting, feeling as though their lives are being turned upside down. Some women feel ashamed for even considering adoption. However, adoption should not be viewed in this manner. Adoption is a gift of life to a prospective family that wants their own children to raise and care for.
There are two main types of adoptions:
- Open Adoptions – An open adoption is defined as communication directly between the birthmother and adoptive parents prior to the child being born. This communication typically remains active after the child is placed with the adoptive family. Communication may include phone calls or in-person visits. Some adoptions are extremely open, with birthparents and adoptive parents agreeing to periodic visits with the child. These types of adoptions also include exchanging letters and pictures.
- Closed Adoptions – A closed adoption is one where the birthmother and prospective adoptive family do not meet. There is no contact prior to the baby being born, nor after the placement is finalized. This type of adoption was commonplace for several generations; however, the early 1980’s ushered in new adoption techniques and processes, which includes the aforementioned open adoptions. Some adoptive families prefer closed adoptions, having an innate fear that if the birthmother is in contact with them, she may decide to request the child be returned to her care. This fear is largely perpetuated by Hollywood dramas and media reports, which are not entirely accurate. Adoption laws are not vague, but extremely clear that once a child is adopted, he/she belongs to the family and is their legal child.
- Semi-Open Adoptions – Falling somewhere in between open and closed adoptions is the semi-open adoption. This typically includes the birthmother and adoptive family exchanging contact information, but it is limited to a first name basis. Telephone numbers, addresses and email addresses are not exchanged and while the parties may agree to speak after the adoption process has been finalized, a certain degree of professional confidentiality is maintained. This typically is indicative of a third party, meaning that the adoptive parents and birthmother are not directly in contact with one another, handling any correspondence.
Heart to Heart helps guide and counsel birthmothers and prospective adoptive parents about the type of adoption that best meets their needs. Knowing up front what type of adoption is acceptable to both parties will help facilitate the matching process, ensuring that both the birthmother and prospective adoptive parents are in agreement concerning the type of adoption.
Open Adoption
Many adoptive parents and birthparents are embracing the benefits of open adoption. Heart to Heart, a Utah adoption agency offers abortion alternatives to unplanned pregnancies and strives to provide information about private adoption and open adoption options.
The benefits of an open adoption are numerous and include:
- Birthparents – An open adoption helps many birthparents feel in control of what was most likely an unplanned pregnancy. Instead of feeling as though they are abandoning their unborn child, many birthmothers participating in an open adoption, report feeling less grief and fewer abandonment issues.
- Adoptive Parents – Open adoption allows birthparents to pass on parenting to adoptive parents, which helps adoptive parents feel more secure when raising their adoptive child. In fact, many adoptive parents and birthparents report more feeling trust and understanding towards one another, especially related to the adoption decision-making process. When birthparents select adoptive parents, it allows them to feel important and entitled, as though they were chosen to be the vessel of life for an infant. Birthparents can also provide helpful medical information and family history.
- Adopted Children – Open adoptions eliminate the awkwardness involved in children finding out they were adopted as teenagers and undergoing a confused identity crisis. In fact, adopted children feel more comfortable asking questions such as, “Which parent do I look like?” “Why did my mom give me up for adoption?” etc. When a child asks adoptive parents a question that they do not know the answer to, they can turn to the birthparents for helpful advice and answers. When an open adoption is entered into, it allows the adopted child to understand that he/she was indeed loved, but there were special circumstances that did not allow his/her birthparents to offer a family environment. This type of openness allows adoptive parents to experience less confusion and frustration, especially where the adoption process is concerned. Young children often have a difficult time comprehending the meaning behind “adoption” and “birthmother.” Allowing a young child to physically meet his/her birthmother gives hi/her a sense of security and understanding.
- Extended Family Models – Open adoption essentially recognizes a birthmother as an extended family member, as she is a part of the adopted child’s life. When adoptive parents are able to accept birthparents into their lives, it helps provide a more comfortable adoption process.
- Difficulties – Open adoptions do not experience more difficulties than a normal family. As with all families, there may be relationship issues, but with counseling they can generally be worked out.